Sleeping Feet

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

— Steven Wright

Don't Believe It All

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"
I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

— Steven Wright


A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"

I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

— Steven Wright

Car Phone

I have an answering machine in my car.

It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

— Steven Wright


I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

— Steven Wright


I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information."
I said, "I can't find my socks."
She said, "They're behind the couch."

And they were!

— Steven Wright

Power Out

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

— Steven Wright


I invented the cordless extension cord.

— Steven Wright

Numbers Game

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...
He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?"
I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it."
He said, "How long have you had it?"
I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

— Steven Wright

Scare the Kids

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

— Steven Wright

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