House Driving

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived.
I said, "Right here, officer".
Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

— Steven Wright


I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

— Steven Wright


I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

— Steven Wright


Fate it seems was not without a sense of irony.

— The Matrix


To deny our own impulses, is to deny the very thing that makes us human.

— The Matrix

The Replacements

You went head to head with an 8 million dollar quarterback! Who the hell do you think was going to win?

— The Replacements

No telephones

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.

— Western Union internal memo, 1876


Invention is 93% perspiration, 6% inpirstion, 3% electricity and 2% Butter scotch ripple.

— Willy Wonka


Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught.

— Winston Churchill

The Wicked

It was the wicked who with hands and words invited death, considered it a friend, and pined for it, and made a covenant with it, because they deserve to be in its possesion.

— Wisdom 1:16

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