Flagg: I’ve trained myself not to laugh or smile.
Flagg: Watched a hundred hours of The Three Stooges. Every time I felt like smiling, I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.
Flagg: Let me tell you something. I have a complete record on you. I know every move you make, everything there is to know about you, so watch your step, Hunnicut
Hawkeye: I’m Pierce!
Flagg: Fine. You want to call yourself Pierce, I can play that game too.
Don’t play dumb! You’re not as good at it as I am!
You’re a tribute to man’s endurance. A monument to hope in size twelve pumps. I hope you do get out soon. There’ll be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
Frank: Klinger! I want to see you out of that dress!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!
Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times! If you can’t, knock twice! (Two knocks are heard) Oh Lord, he’s dead!
B.J.: Some guys’d shoot themselves in the foot to get sent home.
Klinger: Not me! I’d ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons!
First he’s going, then he’s staying! Why’s he staying? Because I’m an idiot!
Why don’t we make everybody happy, let the hero stay, make the idiot go home!
Frank: You’re crazy, buddy!
Flagg: You call me that again, I’ll reach into your throat and pull your heart out.
Margaret: Please, Frank – I’ve seen him with his shirt off!
Hawkeye, as Charles drinks from his bottle of hair tonic: Charles, you’re drinking your hair!
Charles: Don’t be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don’t think I’d leave this is in the original bottle around you petty larcenists, do you?
Hawkeye, horrified: Uuuuuh! I’ve been drinking from his Scotch bottle!!!