First he’s going, then he’s staying! Why’s he staying? Because I’m an idiot!
Why don’t we make everybody happy, let the hero stay, make the idiot go home!
Frank: You’re crazy, buddy!
Flagg: You call me that again, I’ll reach into your throat and pull your heart out.
Margaret: Please, Frank – I’ve seen him with his shirt off!
Flagg: I’ve got to nip this rotten apple in the bud! This sort of action’s contageous. One man decides he’s not gonna fight, it catches on, the next thing, you know what you’ve got on your hands?
Hawkeye, as Charles drinks from his bottle of hair tonic: Charles, you’re drinking your hair!
Charles: Don’t be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don’t think I’d leave this is in the original bottle around you petty larcenists, do you?
Hawkeye, horrified: Uuuuuh! I’ve been drinking from his Scotch bottle!!!
Patient, seeing Klinger: Doc, how come my nurse needs a shave?
Trapper: Klinger, how can you wear just a skirt on a cold day like this?
Klinger: You think it’s easy being a nut?
Frank: Klinger! I want to see you out of that dress!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!
Frank: What are you doing here, pipsqueak?
Radar: I’m leaving, sir.
Frank: Don’t make excuses, just get out.
Hawkeye: Frank, why don’t you swallow your face?
B.J.: He did, that’s why he looks that way.
Frank, as Radar leaves: What was he doing in here?
Hawkeye: Something you wouldn’t understand, Frank.
B.J.: He was talking intelligently.
These are the forms to get the forms to order more forms, sir.
Henry: It’s bad enough that she’s having a baby and I can’t even be there with her!
Radar: Well, at least you were there for the important part.