Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times! If you can’t, knock twice! (Two knocks are heard) Oh Lord, he’s dead!
B.J.: Some guys’d shoot themselves in the foot to get sent home.
Klinger: Not me! I’d ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons!
First he’s going, then he’s staying! Why’s he staying? Because I’m an idiot!
Why don’t we make everybody happy, let the hero stay, make the idiot go home!
Frank: You’re crazy, buddy!
Flagg: You call me that again, I’ll reach into your throat and pull your heart out.
Margaret: Please, Frank – I’ve seen him with his shirt off!
Flagg: I’ve got to nip this rotten apple in the bud! This sort of action’s contageous. One man decides he’s not gonna fight, it catches on, the next thing, you know what you’ve got on your hands?
Hawkeye, as Charles drinks from his bottle of hair tonic: Charles, you’re drinking your hair!
Charles: Don’t be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don’t think I’d leave this is in the original bottle around you petty larcenists, do you?
Hawkeye, horrified: Uuuuuh! I’ve been drinking from his Scotch bottle!!!
Patient, seeing Klinger: Doc, how come my nurse needs a shave?
Frank was once the innocent victim of possession. Through some tragic error they exorcized the nice guy and left that.
Klinger: Sorry about the mess.
Radar: I cleaned it for two hours! There was another mess under it!
Frank: Why don’t you guys like me, huh?
Hawkeye: ‘Cause you’re a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
Frank: Aside from that.